Fabrications of Non Fiction
by breakmyownheart
Summary: A series of snippets. How it may have happened, if they were together. Tegan and Sara. Quincest. Don't like, don't read.
1. Leap Day

**AN: Hi! This is a one shot of a series I'm thinking of starting. The series will be snippets of important occurrences from the point of view of 'what if they were together, maybe this is how this actually happened'. I've read things saying Sara didn't want to do the interview, and things saying Tegan didn't want to, so I just went with Sara for this. Let me know what you think!**

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**2008/2/29 Glasgow**

"Well maybe I just don't fucking want to do the fucking interview!" Sara screamed.

"It's just a fucking interview! Why the fuck are you being such a bitch about this?" Tegan retaliated. She couldn't understand her sister's need to freak out over something they did so frequently.

"Look, last time that guy interviewed us, he was all over us. He wouldn't leave us alone!" Sara gritted her teeth. She did not want to have this conversation right before a concert, much less at all.

"What the hell are you talking about? He didn't hit on either one of us!" Tegan pressed on.

"That's not what I mean. He…wouldn't shut up about…_us_…" Sara knowingly glared in Tegan's eyes.

"Oh for fuck's sake! THAT'S what this is about? You're going _there_ again?" Tegan was at her wit's end on this topic. This topic happened to be their relationship, however it may be defined. They had long since given up on trying to define their relationship with each other. Nothing had happened in so long at this point, there wasn't much of which to question the definition.

Sara's relationship with Emy was still freshly severed. Emy had found them in a compromising position one too many times for it to be explained away. She and Sara had tried to work things out, but it just wasn't able to be fixed. As much as Emy loved the both of them, she could not bring herself to be in anything but a monogamous relationship. However, that same love had kept her from being disgusted, judgmental, or spiteful toward Sara, or Tegan for that matter. As shocking as it was to find out, she was just as shockingly accepting of the circumstances between her wife and her sister-in-law.

While the friendship between the three remained intact, the loss of the partner Sara once had was affecting her greatly. She always had a temper, but lately she could do anything but keep it in check. Her life felt like it was crumbing to pieces. She pushed Tegan away, blaming herself and her sister for everything falling apart. Shame was partly in play, but there was a greater sense of hopelessness whittling away at her soul. No one would want to be with her if she had a physical relationship with Tegan. She would never find someone that would start a family with her, that would accept her, that would love her.

Sara was trying to reestablish certain boundaries that had been crossed. If they never touched, they would never crave each other's touch. That was a fairly recent one. She had moved thousands of miles from Tegan years ago in an attempt to separate herself from whatever this was. Sara was convinced that nothing in their lives would ever grant them happiness and contentedness if they pushed the boundaries of their relationship, no matter how much either of them desired to do so.

"Yes, I am fucking 'going there' again! It keeps showing up to remind us that it _can't_ be," Sara's volume had lowered, but her tone was more stern. "I don't want to be asked about it. I'm sick of lying. If there's nothing, then there's nothing to lie about. I'm sick of losing everything to you."

"Losing everything to me? Oh, so now _I'm_ responsible for you and Emy breaking up? That's rich. Fuck you," Tegan was in disbelief. She knew of Sara's concerns with their relationship and the potential consequences, she had those concerns herself. She just couldn't believe Sara was actually blaming her now. "So what? Now everything is my fault? Maybe it's _your_ fault! _You_ were the one that lied the first time she caught us. _You_ were the one that wanted to keep it a secret from her. _You_ couldn't handle facing up to your actions. How's that river in Egypt treating you?"

"_I _wanted to keep it a secret, because I knew what would happen. And it happened! _I _wanted to stop things before anything started, because I knew that it was absurdly futile to pursue!" Sara countered, the fury building inside her. "It will never work. Never. I wish you would get that through your fucking skull!"

"Well get this through _your_ fucking skull: whether you deny it or acknowledge it, it's still there! You can't change the past. And if you keep lying about it, you're just going to sabotage any future relationships before they even start!" Tegan spoke through a clenched jaw, but her eyes were growing wetter by the second. "You know what? Fuck you. If you're so fucking set on cutting me out of your life, then do it. Cut me the fuck out of everything, since it's all my fault. If you don't want me in your fucking life, then I won't be. I'll quit the band, even! You'll never have to see me again!"

At this, something in Sara clicked. Her arm swung around, and her fist collided with Tegan's face. Tegan's hand immediately covered the area of impact due to surprise and pain. Her tears finally broke free. Sara felt the smack of Tegan's palm against her cheek three times before she had the time to move away. The two stood on opposite sides of the small room glaring at each other. Tegan's eyes were red with tears, but Sara's were ice cold daggers.

"Yeah, build that wall. Cut off that feeling. Go ahead and pretend like you don't fucking hurt," Tegan was unabashedly crying at this point. "But just remember one thing. You didn't hit me when you blamed me for Emy leaving you. You hit me when I said _I_ was leaving you."

Tegan had a point, and she knew she did. She knew how Sara felt, because she felt it too. She knew there was no way to put it into words, but also that there was no point in denying it the way Sara kept trying to do. They needed each other. Sara couldn't lose Tegan, no matter how much she tried to push Tegan away. They were each other's closest confidant and punching bag. Tegan knew what she was doing when she threatened to quit the band and leave Sara. The concept of actually losing Tegan was enough to make Sara show true emotion, instead of the mask she had constructed to pretend life was something it wasn't.


	2. Bridging the Distance

**AN: Hi there! This is another story in the 'what if' series. If you do a YouTube search for "Sara's Letter to Tegan", you'll find the video this story is referring to. Let me know what you think!**

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**2003/6/18 Vancouver  
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Tegan stared at the letter on the coffee table. She had received it a week ago, but it had barely moved from its spot. Well, that was save for the innumerable times she had read it. She honestly had no idea what to do with it. It held such secrets that it was too incriminating to hold on to, yet too precious to let go.

Sara had moved to Montreal just shy of five months ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. Sure, they toured for three of those months, but Tegan could still feel the distance. After the move, Sara didn't contact Tegan for quite some time. She wasn't even sure that Sara had been planning on staying in the band, until she had shown up for the London concert a month later.

The tour had gone pretty typically, save for the subtle differences in their behavior toward each other. No one seemed to notice, or if they had, they hadn't mentioned it. The differences weren't in areas that most people saw, though. It was just a feeling of emotional disconnect. Sara had built a wall blocking Tegan out. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't get through it. To be fair, she hadn't really tried very hard. She knew that this was supposed to be for the better.

Growing up, Sara and Tegan had shared a peculiar bond that most sisters do not. It even surpassed the typical twin relationship. They didn't develop a secret language. There was no telepathy. There was, however, a certain intimacy. Experimenting with drugs and sexuality as teenagers had led to something between them that occurred sober as adults. Of course, there were fights. There were discussions. There were countless 'last time's. They weren't 'in love', nor did they want to raise a family together or get married. However, once they began thinking seriously about these things, it was quite evident that the extent of their relationship was going to hinder the pursuit of falling in love, raising a family, and getting married. After all, it is a difficult thing to explain to a girlfriend that she isn't the only one that has tasted your lips since the beginning of the relationship.

Sara had decided to move to Montreal to get away from Tegan and the temptation she represented. She wanted to start a life that involved Tegan as only her sister and bandmate, no clarification or further description necessary. She broke up with her girlfriend, because she felt the entire relationship was a lie. It wasn't salvageable in her mind. A new start, where no one knew her, was what Sara wanted, so Tegan had acquiesced. There wasn't much she felt she could do. If Sara was going to move, then Sara was going to move.

Tegan stared at the letter on her coffee table. She had tried so hard to move past her emotions. It would have been wonderful to wake up one day and feel normal. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself, she knew that she couldn't move on so quickly or easily. She had just begun to convince herself that Sara had moved on, but then… the letter.

To anyone else, it would have read like a touching letter professing a sisterly love. Some points maybe could have been confusing, but they would have been easily explained away by the close bond twins share. To Tegan, though, it read like a love letter, professing a deep seated bond beyond that of even twins. The words tangled in her mind. She nearly had it memorized.

_I don't miss Vancouver, but I miss you._

Tegan stared at the letter on her coffee table. She picked it up and scanned it over. It struck her humorous that she was rereading the letter, looking for something she missed, as one checks the fridge numerous times a day, hoping new food would magically appear. She felt starved: starved for attention, starved for affection, starved for love. This letter was her soul's only nourishment.

_You're amazing, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life._

This letter was truly soul food. Tegan chuckled to herself at the bad pun.

_I still need my space, but I have come to realize that it's not space from you I need. It's space from everything you represent._

Tegan knew what this meant. It meant the snarl of secrets they had managed to interweave. It meant the guilt of keeping such a profundity from everyone important in their lives. It meant not wanting to build a life of lies any further than they already had.

_I would like to think that maybe this physical distance could let us further explore our bond._

It was always referred to as their 'bond'. That had been decided as the best word for the aspects of their relationship that reached beyond the norm. Tegan was still perplexed as to how Sara had gone from moving 3,000 miles away to wanting to 'further explore'. They both had their moments of weakness. Both had days of acceptance, and both had days of fear. However, this, _this_ was written on paper and mailed to her. She knew Sara, and she knew that Sara would have spent a long time making sure a letter was very specifically worded. Sara had to have put much thought into their bond. Sara must have decided she truly accepted and wanted it.

Tegan stared at the letter in her hands. She, too, had put much thought into their bond. If this was what Sara wanted, then the ball was in her court. She couldn't say much about the future, but the next move was on Sara. If Sara wanted this, she was going to have to show it. Tegan wasn't even going to bring up the letter. If Sara wanted to know if she received it, she would have to ask.

Tegan stared at the letter in her hands. She sighed and put it back on the coffee table. This was, after all, her routine now. The letter had to be on the coffee table for tomorrow.


End file.
